So yeah.  No one's on Xanga anymore.  I say this every time I update.  Anyway, this is about 2 weeks too late, but I just wanted to record on my pathetic blog that I got a 2400 on the SATs.  Mhm.  I'm done.

.:>*<:.

So I think my life has lost all significant meaning.  Before, there were all these emotions and feelings and thoughts that defined it.  Sort of.  But now?  No single defining feeling except frustration.  I feel like nothing about this year has made it anything.  Anything at all.  It happened, and it's happening.  And that's about it.

Except, it doesn't even feel like it's happening.  Nothing about this school year has made it seem like it is actually taking place, like time is actually moving.  Life's become a big pile of mundane shit.  I feel happy, wow, yay.  I feel sad, yeah, ok.  It's just like that--shallow and stupid and repetitive. 

What the hell, you know?  What the hell.  I am bored shitless.  Everyday.  Nearly everything about me is pointless and on a shallow level.  There's school.  I want to do well in school, but I'm a lazy ass.  My personal life is nothing but vegetating in my room--which I really love doing, don't get me wrong.  But I love lying on my bed and rotting because there just isn't anything much more exciting to do.  Or not that there isn't anything more exciting, because that would imply that there is something wrong with the outside world, when really, I'm just not excited by anything.

Back when my doctor basically said I could have a brain tumor, I was all, "I should be appreciative of boredom.  Because boredom is better than having a brain tumor."  Yeah, plain and simple and stupid like that.  But I don't have a brain tumor, which of course is amazingly good news.  Only problem is, I still can't appreciate boredom well enough.  I appreciate it the fact that my life is so safe and sound and catastrophe-free that my biggest complaint is being bored.  But I don't really appreciate boredom itself.

Well, it's nice just lying around, you know?  It's nice.  I'll give it that.  And it's nice going out with friends, and taking pictures and stupidly uploading them onto facebook like every other teenager in America.  And I do appreciate this niceness, this shallow but simple happiness.  But I think once in a while, something really meaningful should happen.  And that meaningful thing has never happened yet.  And I think, when will my life actually be defined?  When in my life will a plot start?  Where is that rising action, that climax, that denouement?  Everything is still.  Until my life can be defined, it will feel like it's not really happening--it's happening in a simple sense, with simple problems and simple joys, that's true.  Except that's not enough, and I am getting really, really bored.

Yeah.  That's the whole point of this.  I am bored.  And like a lameass, I am putting it onto a blog.  Because no one keeps diaries anymore, except apparently Anna Nicole Smith.  She actually has a diary, can you believe that? 

.:>*<:.

Currently Listening Wincing the Night Away By The Shins see related

Idk why I still have a xanga.

It smells like summer/spring.  Too bad it doesn't look like it.

.:>*<:.

So yesterday my parents and I were having dinner at a restaurant, and my mom told me that she saw this family whose kid we used to babysit.  At first I was all, "Ehh" since I'm not too enthusiastic about meeting more family friends unless they tell me that I'm pretty.  But then they came over and the little girl (nine years old) told me that I was pretty.  Awww.  And all was right with the world.

Shut up.  I know that's very sad, and I know I sound like an idiot.  But when you're forced to face hoards of Asian families every weekend for their "Weekly Poker Night," something's got to keep you sane.

On another note, JSA Winter Congress was amazing--two nights and three days.  Politics and dress suits by day, whore outfits by night.  It really is quite interesting to see all these guys in their Gucci suits debating about what bills Congress should pass, making amendments, and talking with the Iraqi Ambassador (who, by the way, said that we should NOT pull troops out of Iraq)--and to then see them at night being less-than-conservative, to put it lightly.  A few hours later, you see them in their suits again the next morning, all professional and passionate about political affairs, and then a few hours after that, getting it on at the dance, and then a few more hours back in their suits at Committee Hearings.  Dynamics--the greatest human quality.

FBLA states will be in less than two weeks, so that's exciting too.  I feel all important having to buy these formal clothes at the mall every time.  Makes me feel productive.  Apparently, the FBLA regional winners were announced in a newsletter sent home with the report card, and I'm first on the list.  Yay.  My APUSH teacher randomly congratulated me and I didn't even know how she knew, but that explains it. 

Speaking of APUSH, we had our last test on Friday.  I hate those tests.  They're always on four to seven entire chapters, and everyone fails.  But now they're over.  Which means our grades will be largely determined by those horrifying pop quizzes, which means I need to start reading the book on time.

Yeah, I'm done.

.:>*<:.

So that headache I was talking about last entry, a month ago--it never really went away.  It got so bad to the point that I realized I could have had a brain tumor or something. 

Now, the MRI came back today and I'm clean.  But there's nothing that really alters your outlook like the possibility of having to get your head sawed open.  For a month I've been worrying about what was wrong, freaking out about what the fuck was going on in my head.  I'm on like five pills.  Supposed to be experimenting to see "which painkiller works best."  I have insomnia.  My pills will cause dependence if I keep using them.  Wtf.

For two days this past weekend, beginning with the last day of my JSA conference, the headache just suddenly went away, even when the painkiller wore off.  I was then convinced it was just as a result of something stupid like say, spending too much time on the computer.  That's definitely one of the causes, except I have three different pains in three different areas of my head.  And while taking an econ test today and realizing that I forgot that a project was due, I just lost it.  The pain came rushing back, and I know it's not going to go away for at least another week before it takes a break.  That was before my MRI results came back, so I was fucking pissed off.  Eventually that wore off and I started joking about it all, but yeah.  For a good few hours, I was not happy.

But one thing that this has made me realize is that I shouldn't complain about things like "my life is a complete and utter bore."  Boredom is a gift.  Boredom means that you don't have much to worry about.  Passive discontent means that there isn't something extreme that will turn your world upside down. 

I don't know.

.:>*<:.